


Uncertain

by Klanceisunoriginal



Series: TAZ Identity Study [1]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angus McDonald Has Anxiety, Angus McDonald Needs a Hug, Angus McDonald-centric, Anxiety, Aromantic, Asexual Character, Autistic Angus McDonald, Background Relationships, Candlenights, Canon Gay Character, Canon Trans Character, Canon-typical language, Canonical Character Death, Coming Out, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Light Angst, Magnus Burnsides has feelings, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Minor Barry Bluejeans/Lup, Minor Julia Burnsides/Magnus Burnsides, Minor Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone), Nonbinary Angus McDonald, Nonbinary Character, Post-Canon, Post-Episode: e067-069 Story and Song Parts 1-3, Self-Discovery, Sexual Identity, Sexuality Crisis, Stimming, Taako is Bad at Feelings (The Adventure Zone), Trans Female Character, Trans Lup (The Adventure Zone), What is love, author projecting onto angus mcdonald, gender study, gender-nonconforming character, gnc taako, teenage angus mcdonald
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-17 12:47:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28974609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Klanceisunoriginal/pseuds/Klanceisunoriginal
Summary: Angus hates uncertainty. It fills his whole body with bone-deep dread and makes his stomach twist with anxiety. In the past, he was always uncertain about big, earth-shattering things. After saving the world, though? He's uncertain about something a whole lot bigger than that.orAngus has An Identity Crisis.
Relationships: Angus McDonald & Taako, Barry Bluejeans & Angus McDonald, Barry Bluejeans/Lup, Kravitz & Angus McDonald, Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone), Lup & Angus McDonald, Lup & Taako (The Adventure Zone)
Series: TAZ Identity Study [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2125263
Comments: 9
Kudos: 45





	1. Say Yes to The Dress

**Author's Note:**

> Who needs therapy when you can project onto NPCs from a DnD podcast, am I right?
> 
> Hey, hi, hello, welcome to me writing about my headcanons for several characters in the TAZ multiverse. First up: Ango McDango! Because I am so incredibly enthralled with the idea of NB Angus,,,, here is this.
> 
> WARNING:  
> -there is a mention of neglectful and abusive households.   
> -for the most part it's fluff, though.

Angus hates uncertainty. Any amount of uncertainty makes his stomach twist with anxiety and shuts down his brain. It makes him want to cry and hyperfocus on whatever the source of the uncertainty is until he can solve the problem. Angus is fourteen years old, and he is very  _ very _ uncertain.

For the longest time, he was known as a boy. He knew that it was what was expected of him, and frankly, he was a bit too distracted to really consider it much. First, he was young, bouncing from home to home, staying with family members who didn’t really give a shit about him. He’d spend his time solving mysteries to distract himself from the lack of love he felt. With every case he closed, with every bit of uncertainty lost, Angus felt better, more at ease. Solving mysteries kept him busy and left him with a sense of accomplishment. 

Then, he was ten, and on the train to his grandfather’s house, searching for the Rockport Slayer on the way. Not long after that, he was on the moon, becoming the youngest member of the Bureau of Balance. That’s when the uncertainty was the worst, he thinks, because the uncertainty wasn’t small, like whether or not he was going to be addressed after dinner that evening, but were Taako, Magnus, and Merle - the people he strangely felt closest to - going to live through the night?

The Director helped him through the turmoil that was Candlenights. When the boys’ stones of far speech went out, Angus’s blood ran cold. His brain whirred to action and made him imagine the worst, most gruesome things that could possibly be happening to his friends. Strange - he considered those three adult men friends far more than he ever considered his relatives friends. Even his most friendly cousins had nothing on the strange dynamic between those three and himself. The uncertainty of their life - was almost too much to handle.

What was worse than that was the uncertainty of whether or not the world would be swallowed whole by a plane-destroying hunger. Still, adrenaline carried Angus through the epic battle, as did the new revelation - his friends were ALIENS. With a flash of green light, then blue, a Story and a Song projected itself into the minds of every living creature, and what a story it was. The new tale of great adventure, paired with Johann’s declaration - “you’re going to have to fight… and you’re going to win!” - led Angus and the others to winning the day.

After the horrifying, terrific day that was the Day of Story and Song, Angus was ready to be done with uncertainty. However, there was still so much. Where was he to go now that the moon base was destroyed? Surely he couldn’t go back to bouncing around his relatives’ houses. When the others talked excitedly about their plans for the future, he’d stay silent. He would nod along, trying to hide the anxiety that was eating away at him, but he was found out. One night, after everyone had dispersed for the most part, Taako came up to him and asked what was wrong. Angus tried to bullshit his way through it, but Taako could read him like a book. 

The uncertainty faded when Taako offered him a home to live in indefinitely. Angus was happy. He had plans for the future. He was going to college. He had a stable home, a loving family. Things seemed so perfect. That’s when the uncertainty changed from life-shattering, reality-ending horrors to things that he should already know about himself. Things that he couldn’t quite place. Words that made him uncomfortable. He should be happy. Instead, he is uncertain.

-

Angus is fourteen years old, and he doesn’t think he’s a boy. It started out as a casual thought of longer hair and nail polish. Something that he sees day in and day out. Hell, he lives with  _ Taako,  _ you know, from TV? That elf is the definition of gender nonconformity. He takes comfort in the fact that - if he so chose - he’d be able to indulge in those kinds of things. It begins to fester and spiral, though. In his relatives’ houses, he was taught very strictly that he was a boy. Boys don’t wear nail polish or skirts. Boys are strong. They work hard and dress nicely. There was no room for experimentation. Angus  _ knows  _ that it’s okay for him to do that stuff but there’s a level of fear instilled in him from his past. 

Though he conforms to masculinity in a way that makes him appear to be a boy, Angus doesn’t feel right about it. The word ‘boy’ is loaded with all kinds of lukewarm memories, which could be affecting this uncertainty in some way, but for the most part it just feels… wrong. Bad. He wants to be able to wear skirts and dresses if he so pleases. He wants to paint his nails and grow his hair out. He wants to wear his fancy schoolboy outfit one day and a fancy schoolgirl outfit the next. He wants to wear makeup to soccer practice and jewelry to the library. He doesn’t want to be seen as a boy, because he feels like he’s so much more than that.

There are different facets to every person. Different bits of their personality, different ways that they act and dress. Things that they’re interested in. Styles and aesthetics. Identities. So many different things that a person can be or do or feel. Angus feels like Angus. He doesn’t feel like a boy. He doesn’t like the way that word feels in his mouth. He’s definitely not a girl, that doesn’t feel right either. He’s a little bit of both, and a whole lot of neither.

He’s not Angus McDonald, Boy Detective. He’s a detective, absolutely. The best there ever was. He’s Angus McDonald, The World’s Greatest Detective. That phrase used to be a goof that he’d say when meeting new people. Of course, he was the best detective anyone had ever seen, and he kinda enjoyed the gravitas of “World’s Greatest,” but as he grew older, he tended to introduce himself as the “World’s Greatest Detective” rather than “Boy Detective.” It could appear that he’s just getting older and doesn’t want to be referred to as a kid anymore, but in all honesty, it’s the word itself. He feels discomfort when Lup affectionately calls him “little dude” and cringes when Merle says “boy-o.” He doesn’t like hearing “he” and “him” anywhere near his name. It feels bad.

It’s not earth-shattering. It’s not world-ending. It’s not plane-devouring. But it leaves him uncertain of who he is and that eats him alive.

He’s finally been allowed to be a “regular kid,” though he’s really anything but. He’s found friends - a few groups of them - and is learning how to be young. He joined a soccer team and loves his teammates. They’re all really cool for the most part, but they don’t have anything on his closest friends. Angus, with very little deliberation, decided to join a Pride group in Neverwinter. He even invited Taako, Lup, Kravitz, and Barry to come along to the first few meetings, because “it says all ages are invited!” and of course, they can’t say no to their favorite detective.

The first meeting is scary, yes, but with the support from his family, Angus jumps in and connects with a group of people his age. He introduces himself as Angus McDonald, and falters a bit when he says he uses he/him pronouns. The uncertainty swells in his chest and makes him feel as though he’ll explode into a flock of moths, but he swallows it down and tries to remain calm. His new friends are, of course, flabbergasted at his knowing  _ the  _ IPRE crew. He notices Taako and Lup fawning over him more than usual, probably trying to drive home the fact that yes, Angus is the coolest kid in the whole fucking world, thanks for asking.

Angus goes home happy.

That night, after dinner, the uncertainty swells more and more. He’d just said he used he/him pronouns that day. What if he didn’t? What if something else was better for him? If he were to change his mind and tell his friends something different now, they’d never see him the same. He could deal with the discomfort. It’d certainly be better than being uncertain of whether or not his friends think of him the same. 

“What’s up, Ango?” Taako plops down onto the couch next to Angus, trying to conceal concern behind a laid-back smile. Angus shakes his head, clearing his thoughts. He must’ve had his thinking face on. “Oh, nothing, sir. Just thinking about some deadlines I have coming up,” he lies, turning away guiltily. He hates lying to Taako, but he’s scared to talk about this uncertainty. He can learn to cope. To live with it. “How about you tell me what’s bothering you without telling a shitty lie,” Taako says casually. Damn. He really knows Angus well. He takes a shaky breath and looks around, making sure there are no prying eyes - not that he’d be mad about it; it’s just second nature at this point.

Angus isn’t even sure he wants to talk about this. He’s not a kid anymore. He should be able to deal with his own shit. Besides, it’s not the most important thing in the world. Taako saved hundreds of planar systems, listening to some dumb kid’s problems doesn’t seem all that interesting. Angus sighs again and closes his eyes, trying to come up with something to say.

Taako makes a point to not look at Angus while he psychs himself up. The elf knows what it’s like to be terrible at emotions, and if he’s gonna try to pry into Angus’s personal shit, the least he could do is give him a second. “I... I’m- Taako, uh, sir, I-” Angus starts to blabber absolute fucking nonsense. He feels heat rise to his cheeks at his apparent inability to form coherent sentences. Taako apparently feels this  _ incredibly intelligent  _ conversation interesting, because he turns his head a bit too quickly. Angus is quiet sometimes, yeah, usually when he’s in Serious Mode™™™, but he doesn’t stutter like that unless he is dead fucking serious.

Angus hates that Taako can read him so well. It’s good sometimes, but really fucking annoying when he himself doesn’t even know what’s going on. “Okay, pause, bubelah. If you don’t want to talk about this you sure as hell don’t have to. You know it’d be easier on both of us,” Taako says, still trying to pull off his cool, calm vibe. Then, he shakes his head and corrects himself, “you don’t have to tell me shit, but if you need to, I’ll listen.” Angus smiles nervously and breaks eye contact. He picks a spot on the floor and inspects it quietly for a moment before starting over.

“Have you ever been uncertain of anything, sir?” Angus begins, and no, this isn’t really where he wants to take this conversation, but just getting that question out is an accomplishment in itself. He’ll take what he can get. Taako chuckles quietly in response, “Angus, you know I know everything, natch- but yeah. I know what you’re talking about.” Angus hums thoughtfully for a moment, then asks another question, “how do you feel about it?”

Taako jerks in a way that makes Angus look up from his  _ very interesting _ spot on the floor. “Hey, now. I thought I was the one listening to your shit. Didn’t think this was gonna be a fuckin’ interview,” Taako says. He’s clearly uncomfortable and out of his element, and Angus would love nothing more than to say  _ oh never mind  _ and leave it alone. But Taako isn’t gonna let that slide. “Sorry, sir. I just- have you ever felt… wrong?” Taako’s ears perk up in a mixture of interest and confusion, “You’re gonna have to give me more than that, bubelah. Taako’s been wrong about quite a few things. But don’t tell anyone I said that.”

It’s nice that Taako continues to carry on with his antics during the conversation. It makes it so much less awkward and formal. It’s comforting in its own way. Angus finally meets Taako’s eyes and says, “I don’t know that I’m a boy.” And with that, the cat is out of the proverbial bag and Angus feels more anxious than he’s been since the day of Story and Song. “O-Oh,” Taako starts, and Angus can almost see the wheels turning in his head. “Well, if you’re not a boy, are you a girl, pumpkin?” Angus shakes his head. Being referred to as a girl gives him the same sort of dirty, icky feeling that being called a boy does.

“I- I’m not a boy, I don’t think. I’m also definitely not a girl, but… I just- I just don’t know, sir,” Angus says. He hates that he feels tears welling up in his eyes. He refuses to cry. “I- I’m not certain and that’s something that-” he takes a shaky breath “-makes me anxious and all stomach-twisty. I want to be sure, but I don’t know how.” Taako nods understandingly. Although this is somewhat above his paygrade, he knows quite a bit about gender shit, and is willing to offer his services. “Kid, do you know who the fuck you’re talking to? I may be shit at emotional vulnerability but I have had my fair share of gender-related issues.” The elf visibly relaxes and huffs out a chuckle. “I had this same kind of questioning thing when I was just a bit older than you. I get it. Fuck, I helped my sister transition when we were kids.” 

Angus knows all of this to be true. He knows that Lup is trans, he knows that Taako doesn’t really feel one way or the other about his gender, and is cool with whatever. He knows that Taako is the more stereotypically feminine of the twins, and that they’re both happy doing what they do. Still, the uncertainty eats at him. He sits and picks at the skin under his fingernail, mind whirring at a gazillion miles per minute. Taako sees his distress and concentration and finishes his statement with a shaky, uncomfortable breath. “Hey, this shit isn’t gonna make me think any different of you, okay? You’re Angus, always have been - unless you wanna be called something else, which is fine by me, bubelah. Just-” he sighs, meeting Angus’s eyes, “-I support you, and so will everyone else if you wanna tell them. I’m here if you need help figuring things out. I know how hard it can be.” Angus sniffles in response and nods, not trusting himself to say anything. 

Taako stands abruptly, already putting his walls back into place, “Of course, my shit was a whole lot easier ‘cause I had an entire twin doing the same fuckin’ thing, so I’m gonna call Lup over here and we’re gonna have a goddamn dress-up night. We’ll do whatever you wanna do, but lemme tell you, the two of us have figured out so much shit while doing each other’s nails. It’s fucking insane.” He looks to Angus for conformation, and after receiving a nod and a nervous smile, Taako makes for his stone of far speech. Before he can get very far, Angus stops him. “T-taako? Could, uh, could you maybe try they/them pronouns for me for tonight? You can go back to normal tomorrow, but I just wanna… try?” Taako halts from connecting to Lup’s frequency and looks at Angus with a seriousness that is very  _ very  _ uncomfortable. “Whatever you need, Agnes. If you want that to become the new normal, let me know, okay?” Angus nods and turns away.

Angus feels… weird. They’ve barely said anything to Taako, hardly let him in on their problems. Their stomach is still twisting with anxiety, but it’s lessened by the way that their mentor is being so chill. Of course Taako would be chill, why would Angus expect anything else?

Not long after Taako gets off the stone, Angus hears a rip through the tear of reality and watches Lup step out of the rift, carrying an armload of clothes and bags full of gods-know-what. As she comes through, she smiles at Angus, and they catch the way her eyes shimmer with excitement. “I didn’t tell her why, ‘cause that’s your job, but I told her it was a dress-up night and, well…” Taako says quietly in Angus’s ear. They aren't put off by Lup’s eagerness. It’s quite the opposite. It’s endearing. They’re happy that she’s excited, and it makes them feel a bit more comfortable in this leap into experimentation. 

-

Angus stands in front of the mirror, holding a soft, muted red knitted dress. It’s stretchy, and likely clingy, which is something they’re not too excited about, but it’s still thrilling. Their heart pounds against their ribcage as they carefully unfold the dress and hold it against themself, sizing it up. With a shaky breath, Angus shucks off their clothes and pulls the dress over their head. It has a v-neckline, sort of like the vests that they wear on a regular basis, and it ends just past their knees. It’s snug against their body and - no, that’s a bit uncomfortable. In a moment of genius, they start over.

They grab a simple offwhite button up and put it on under the dress, which puffs up weird around the shirt. It’s not perfect, but it’s getting there. Angus adds one of their signature navy blue blazers on top, which hides the crinkled fabric and pulls the outfit together nicely. They slip on a pair of their loafers and take a final look in the mirror.

Holy. Fuck.

Angus watches a smile spread across their face so hard that it hurts their cheeks. They look amazing. The colors look really nice together, and the dress -  _ a dress  _ \- looks really,  _ really _ good on them. Filled with excitement, they flap their hands around for a moment, stimming, then go back to staring at themself in the mirror. 

There’s a knock on the door and two excited voices call through, “Are you good in there?” Angus shakes themself out of their stupor and throws the door open. They bounce in place as Taako and Lup see the big reveal. Lup grins, her eyes shining with pride. Taako, who looks as though he was tense, relaxes and lets a goofy smile appear on his face. “What do you think?” Angus questions excitedly. They do a spin, and while the skirt doesn’t poof out, they still love the way it feels. “You look fuckin great, pumpkin,” Taako says. He leans up against the doorframe, happily watching Angus’s excitement. Lup rushes in. She waits for Angus to acknowledge her movement, then scoops them up in a hug. “You’re rad as hell, kiddo!” she says, spinning them in a circle before placing them carefully back on the ground.

They accept a few more compliments from the twins and graciously accept the dress as a gift from Lup - “It looks better on you than it ever did on me.” Heart beating giddily, they follow Lup and Taako back to the living room, where they see the largest spread of nail care products probably ever. The twins take their seats with practiced ease, but Angus stalls for a moment to take it all in. There’s so many colors of polish, how could they possibly choose? “You know what you’re lookin’ for?” Lup asks, looking up at Angus. They shake their head in the negative and shrug. Taako butts in, “Let them have a sec, they haven’t seen our fucking beauty store worth of nail shit before. Now, gimme that new purple.”

Angus watches quietly as Lup trims Taako’s nails. She files them down and puts on a clear base coat, then paints the metallic purple over top, ending in a clear top coat. Taako returns the favor and does hers a nice burnt sienna color. The two talk about everything and nothing while they work. Lup shares some funny things that Kravitz and Barry have done on the job - “yes, Barry is trying to do a fucking accent just like Krav. It’s hilarious, Ko. I have to try so hard not to explode every time he does it.” Taako talks about how there’s this new pastry shop in Rockport that he hears is good, but of course, he’ll be the judge of that. 

The two laugh and talk as if they never missed a beat. Like the decade apart never happened. Angus stays quiet, just reveling in the fact that he  _ knows  _ these people. They’ve done some buckwild shit in their lifetimes and have dealt with unspeakable tragedy, but they’re here. And they care about Angus. And Angus cares about them. It’s a familiar feeling, but Angus finds themself in awe quite often. 

After a little while, the twins are done with their nails and look at Angus expectantly. “You don’t have to, natch, but surely some of these colors are calling your name,” Taako says. He holds up a muted blue and a dark green to emphasize the vast color selection. Angus grins, “I like that blue one,” they say, and within moments, both twins are on them, trimming and filing and painting. They work in tandem, asking Angus questions about school, soccer, and of course, their fun ongoing identity crisis. Lup, they find, is considerably better at dealing with emotions than her brother. She’s still not perfect, but it’s less like talking to a brick wall with her. 

Lup laughs affectionately at something Angus says and starts weaving a tale. “I remember when Taako and I came out to each other. Fuck, that was funny.” Taako shakes his head, “Uh, no, it wasn’t. I was trying to have a serious moment where I told you I liked men and you upstaged me. I’ll never forgive you.” He sticks his tongue out at her, feigning exasperation. Lup laughs and drops the subject, though Angus is curious as to what happened on that day. Maybe they’ll find out some other time.

-

“So, Ango. They/them is good?” Lup asks bluntly. Angus’s eyes snap up to meet hers, and they nod bashfully. “Uh, yeah, if you don’t mind. I like that a whole lot better than he/him.” She smiles at them and pats their head affectionately. “Of course, kiddo. Consider it done.”

There’s still more experimenting that Angus wants to do, but for the first time in a while, Angus goes to bed certain of something. They’re certain of the support from their family, and they’re certain that no matter who they are, they’ll never be turned away. Angus goes to bed happy.


	2. No is Cool Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seventeen year old Angus isn't done with self-discovery yet. They have a heart-to-heart with Magnus. They celebrate Candlenights. They're certain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hullo again!
> 
> Just some quick warnings:  
> -there is talk of a canon character death  
> -it does get a teeny bit angsty
> 
> i think that's all!! Enjoy!

Angus’s time at college flies by. The classes are a bit more difficult than they were expecting, but nothing that they can’t handle. Night after night, they sit in the living room - and after it gets too late, their bedroom - soaking up every bit of information they can get their hands on. They practice new cantrips and study spells until they’re confident they can get it right. They’re becoming quite the divination wizard. 

Of course, they still have weekly tutoring sessions with Taako. In the past, when Angus was new to wizardly magics, Taako would act as a teacher, showing them the ropes. But since Angus chose a different school of magic, Taako can really only do so much to teach them. It’s still nice, though. The “lessons” have become a whole lot less formal, and have turned into more of a hangout session where Angus does rad shit and Taako pretends not to be impressed.

As Angus has spent more time at school, they’ve also grown closer with their friends. Being in Neverwinter allows them the freedom to hang out with people, and they’ve grown to be quite a social person. The friends that they made at the Neverwinter Pride Club are all incredibly impressed by their magic, though they don’t show off very often; they’ve gotta conserve those spell slots!

Time passes, and Angus gets older. A growth spurt hits them, and they shoot up to stand at eye level with Taako. They leave the sides of their head shaved and grow out the rest. As a fifteenth birthday present, Lup pierces their ears, and they like to wear small hoops on a day-to-day basis. Over time, Angus has grown indescribably close to his family. They’ve caught themself almost calling Taako “dad” and Lup has all but forced them to call her “auntie Lup.” Kravitz has moved in, and he’s just as cool as ever. Angus really likes him; he’s good to Taako and treats Angus like his own kid. It’s nice. It’s normal.

-

Angus lays awake one night, deep in thought. They stare at the ceiling contemplatively, not daring to look at the clock. They’re seventeen, and it’s come to their attention that everyone around them has either dated someone or is hardcore crushing. It’s awesome, they’re thrilled that their friends can find happiness in that kind of thing, but Angus isn’t sure if they’ve ever really had a crush on anyone. If they’ve ever wanted to be more than friends with anyone. Ever since it came to their attention, they haven’t been able to get it out of their head. Maybe they just haven’t found the right person yet.

So for weeks, Angus ponders this question with anxiety bubbling in their gut. Is it that they just haven’t met someone yet, or is there something wrong with them? They stew silently and run their brain in circles, always coming back to the question “what is wrong with me?”

It’s a day in early autumn when Magnus comes by to hang out. He’s on his way to a woodworkers’ competition and needs someplace to stay the night, so of course, Taako lets him crash at his house. When he arrives, he comes bearing an armload of carved wooden ducks that begin to spill out of his embrace. The burly man almost loses his balance as his dog, Johann, bounds past him and into the house. Taako shrieks and Kravitz howls in laughter. Angus watches from the couch for a moment, then moves to the floor to be at dog level. Johann, after completing his rounds around the house, runs to Angus and covers them in slobber, tail whipping wildly about.

Once the ducks are all tossed messily on the kitchen counter (much to Taako’s dismay), Magnus spins on his heel and envelops Angus in a bone-crushing hug. Angus, who had not gotten a breath before being squeezed, wheezes and shouts an argument, but throws their arms around Magnus anyway. “You gotta stop being so old, Ango. You’re making me feel like Merle,” Magnus says, pulling away and looking them up and down. Angus grins at the familiar nickname and shoots back a lighthearted insult, “You’re starting to look like him, sir. Is that a gray hair I see?” Undeterred, Magnus throws his head back and lets out a hearty laugh.

For the woodworking competition, Magnus has created something that isn’t a carved duck… well it kinda is. He’s created a beautiful child’s crib. It’s made of a beautiful dark wood and on each of the four corner posts sits a small, perfect duck. It’s very in character for the big guy. He eyes it with pride every few minutes, seemingly lost in thought. As he looks at it, the corners of his mouth twitch upward and a lovesick glaze comes over his eyes. Taako notices this from across the room and supplies Magnus with no shortage of teasing.

Angus has seen that lovesick gaze on so many people at so many different times. What is it supposed to feel like? They don’t think they’ve ever looked at someone like that. Like the way Lup and Barry look at each other, or the way Kravitz looks at Taako, or the way Magnus looks when he talks about Julia. There are so many people around them who know what it’s like to be in love, and Angus doesn’t know how it feels. They don’t think they’ve felt it. 

During dinner, they stay quiet, picking at the food on their plate. It’s nice, Magnus brings in such a warm, friendly presence to the house. He talks quickly and loudly about the dogs he’s been training. Johann is put outside for the duration of the meal; Taako is “such a gracious host” in allowing Magnus to bring Johann along, but having him anywhere near Taako’s gourmet-level cooking is out of the question. Angus listens to the stories that Magnus tells, but they also keep their eyes trained on Taako.

Taako had once told Angus that right before they were all inoculated, on the day where they went to Wonderland, Taako lost trust in everyone and everything. He kept his walls fifty feet high and wouldn’t allow anyone in. How could he? He had been lied to and there were just too many secrets. Looking at him now, Angus notes how comfortable Taako is. He smiles with ease and listens to the antics of a man he spent over a century with. They know that he’d never say it, but Taako loves Magnus. Not in a romantic way, of course, but in a way that goes deeper than words. That’s a kind of love that Angus can understand - the deep, platonic and familial kind of love. They’re used to seeing it and feeling it and being surrounded by it. 

Later that night, as Magnus is about to retire to the guest room with Johann in tow, Angus stops him. While Angus knows so many people who are deeply, deeply in romantic love, they feel like Magnus might give the best answer to the question that they’ve been fretting on for months. 

“Hey Magnus, can I ask you something?” Angus asks. They’re alone in the living room with Magnus, who says that he’ll go to bed right after he’s finished with the magazine he’s looking at. Angus silently curses themself for asking for Magnus’s attention. Now they’re actually going to have to go through with this conversation, which is becoming less and less appealing as the seconds pass. “Hell yeah, what’s up, kid?” Magus answers, looking up from his magazine. Angus takes a deep breath, like they did so long ago when they came out as nonbinary to Taako. “What does a crush feel like?” 

That catches Magnus’s attention. He lays the magazine down and locks eyes with Angus, a grin spreading over his face. “Awww does little Mango have a crush on somebody? Tell me everything, what's their name?” Angus feels themself start to blush. Why? They  _ don’t  _ have a crush on anyone. Magnus’s stupid teasing is gonna give him the wrong idea. “Uh, no, actually. I was just, uh, wondering. You seem like you know about… like, love stuff? So I thought I’d ask.” Magnus’s grin falls just slightly and he takes on a confused expression for just a moment.

“Well, it’s like you want to be around a person all the time. They make you happy and giddy. They seem like they’re larger than life. You can’t get them out of your head, and when you think about them, your stomach does little flips.”

“Isn’t that just friendship?”

“ _ No!  _ Sure, friends can make you happy, but a crush - or romantic love in general - is different. They make you happy in a different sort of way? I’m not sure how to explain it.”

Angus pauses for a moment, adding this new knowledge into the file labeled “What is Love? (by Haddaway)” in their brain. “Is that what it was like with Julia?” they ask. Magnus smiles and gets that lovesick glaze in his eyes again. “Yeah. Julia was my everything. She made me want to be a better person every single day. I would think about her all the time. I still do. That’s honestly part of the reason why I decided to stay with the Bureau.” Angus cocks their head curiously, suddenly more interested than before. 

Magnus takes a deep, contemplative breath then starts again. “Before the Bureau, and maybe even before Phandolin, I was ready to die for a ‘good cause.’ I wanted to rush into an epic battle and die bravely and be reunited with Julia. I missed her so much. Losing her was the hardest thing I ever went through emotionally. But once Killian brought us up to the base and we got inoculated, I knew that getting the relics was something I needed to do.” He sighs and hunches over, putting his elbows on his knees. “Because I would either die quickly while looking for them or I would do something that would make Julia proud. As time went on and I got closer to everybody, I decided I would rather hold off on dying. Still, even after losing her, Julia makes me want to be a better person. I do what I do to make her proud.”

Magnus sniffles a bit and Angus can hear the knot in his throat as he starts to tear up. They scoot across the couch to put a comforting hand on the burly man’s shoulder. “Sorry, kid. You didn’t come in here asking for me to unload all my shit onto you.” He says, chuckling wetly. “That’s okay, sir. You needed to get it off your chest.” Angus answers with a reassuring smile. Magnus takes a shaky breath, trying to right himself. “Why’d you ask, anyway? What’s goin’ on in McDonald Town?”

Angus bites their lip. “Well, I’ve never had a crush before. Most people my age have already had crushes and partners and all that kind of stuff, but I’m just not interested in it. I just don't… feel it?” Magnus, now recovered from his emotional monologue, looks at Angus with fascination. They focus on a spot on Magnus’s discarded magazine and ramble without really even knowing what they’re saying. Their eyebrows are furrowed in careful concentration and calculation.

“I understand it, definitely. I know why people love each other romantically and stuff. I mean, look at Aunt Lup and Uncle Barry. I just don’t  _ feel  _ like that towards anyone. I’m happy with my friends and family. I- I don’t think I  _ want  _ to date people.” Magnus nods, not quite understanding fully, but being down with it anyway. He wraps his huge, muscular arms around Angus and pulls them in for a tight hug. “Ango, I’m so proud of you. You really are a whole fuckin grown-up now. What the fuck happened?” He says affectionately, snapping Angus out of their rambling stupor.

-

They had been going around in circles in their head for months. They would fight themself with the same bits of logic and information until they were dizzy. Just talking to Magnus about it has helped them to come to terms with a few things.

One: They understand what love is like. Angus knows, logically, that they can feel love for people. They love their family and friends. They’re happy when they get to spend time with their people.

Two: Angus doesn’t experience romantic attraction. They don’t want to be involved with anyone. They’re okay surrounding themself with platonic and familial relationships.

Three:  _ That’s okay. _ While a lot of people define themselves by their romantic endeavors, Angus doesn’t feel that need. There’s a lot of social pressure to get in on the dating scene. Hell, their own friends have teased them about being single for so long. It’s all in good fun, of course, but Angus wants to stay that way. They don’t want to date, and that’s not a bad thing. It’s just another thing that makes them Angus McDonald.

As Angus learns to express this particular lack of romantic attraction, they do some research and try to find a word to describe it. They strike gold in terms of information.

-

Kravitz sits at the breakfast bar in the kitchen, nursing a fresh cup of coffee and chatting quietly with Taako, who is behind the stove making pancakes. It’s a week before Candlenights, and Angus is ready to tell their parents about this fun journey of self-discovery. They walk into the kitchen and pour themself a cup of coffee, then go to sit next to Kravitz and join in on the conversation. Taako is talking about preparing for the spring semester at the school and asks Angus how many classes they’re willing to teach.

When Taako finishes serving up the pancakes, he moves to sit on Kravitz’s other side. They eat in silence for a few moments while Angus psychs themself up. There’s no big production. No fireworks or big surprise reveals. They simply say, “I’m aro-ace.”

Taako gasps, chokes on a bite of pancake, finishes the bite, then heaves a big sigh of relief. “Oh thank the  _ gods _ . I was praying to Istus that you weren’t straight. That would be so fucking  _ awkward. _ ” Kravitz gives an enthusiastic side hug and says, “That’s awesome, Angus. I’m so glad you could tell us.” 

And unceremoniously, they take another bite of pancake.

-

For Candlenights, Taako and Kravitz invite all the birds over, as well as Carey, Killian, and Avi. The house is loud and full and chaotic, but it provides such a sense of normalcy that Angus adores. They talk to Lucretia for a while, describing a few different cases that they’ve solved since they saw her last. She listens with rapt attention, interested in what Angus has been up to.

At a little after 7:30, Taako and Lup serve dinner. Everyone gathers around the dining table or the breakfast bar and enjoys a truly wonderful meal. They catch up with one another. It’s chaotic. It’s messy. It’s wonderful. Angus loves their family more than anything. They’re so happy to be with them on Candlenights. After not having Candlenights for so long, they’re happy to celebrate it however they can.

That night, as a gift from Magnus, Angus receives an asexual pride flag and an aromantic pride flag. They’re thrilled at the idea of hanging them up next to their nonbinary pride flag. They grin as wide as they possibly can and throw their arms around Magnus. Those who didn’t know about Angus’ coming out congratulate them and make it explicitly clear that they love them no matter what. 

Through their whole life thus far, Angus has been filled with gut-wrenching uncertainty. Uncertainty about life. About the wellbeing of their friends. About their own identity. On this Candlenights, all of their previous anxieties are washed away. They’re certain about several things. They’re certain of themself. They're certain of their safety.

They're certain that they have the best family in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!! My twitter is @SadCardTrick if you wanna talk about it!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed!!


End file.
